you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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