you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
