People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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