fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
