I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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