I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
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It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
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Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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