i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
