Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
