Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
