just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I want to make a zoo with you.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
They have beer where we have blood.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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