i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm passing your future prison.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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