At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I want a musical about memes.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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