Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
