My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
