can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
