there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
