if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
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im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
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The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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