So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
