i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
