i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
