i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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