My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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