i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
