woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
