Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
