i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
