I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
