It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
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