TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
