so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
not ubering you a puppy
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
