she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
