He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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