True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
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