I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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