And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
