everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
