you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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