I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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