My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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