Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
