We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
