Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
