dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
