$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
