i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
