I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
