were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
