6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
