By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
