He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
