the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
40s are totally the cure
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
