mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
